I am about half way through the wonderful book by Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. OK, so commenting on a book at the half-way point is rather foolish since I am most likely chapters away from the big moral revelation in the story but I am still going to write this post. Actually, I just realized it might be interesting to see how my thoughts vary from this point to the end of the book....So here it goes.
I COMPLETELY relate to Amy Chua's feelings about her children and her desire to drive them to success. Unlike people I know who have read the book and fear any similarity, I find myself longing for Ms. Chua's stamina to stay in the battle, her determination not to be swayed by external pressures, and her ability to remain true to her culture and character in her parenting.
I am a Western mother. I was raised by a Western mother who was raised by a Western mother. I openly worry about my children's emotional stress and their self-esteem. I read endless books about raising confident children but I always am concerned a huge aspect of the puzzle is missing. Perhaps we are so busy worrying about the emotional state of our children we are letting the source of self-esteem be overlooked: creating a sense of self-reliance, drive, and determination.
Amy Chua writes, "Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."
This passage stopped me in my tracks. Perhaps protecting my children from the feeling of failure is stifling their self-development. By being their "friend" or "confidant" in moments of weakness am I abandoning the role of parent to their detriment? Would my children's self-esteem be stronger if I let them find it in their own course or more so pushed them beyond their comfort limits?
Looking back I realize some of the greatest lessons I learned in life came after my greatest failures. There were times when I longed for a parent to step in and make it better but now see by forging on I became more resilient. Did that resiliency better my self-esteem or lay the seeds of resentment?
Amy Chua continues in the chapter, "Western parents try to respect their children's individuality encouraging them to purse their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."
My kids dress like crazy people. It has never been important to me that they look a certain way....I thought I was fostering their independence and creativity by letting them make their own choices - or is this my excuse because I am don't want the fight? I often allow them to skip on chores in favor of having fun (they are only kids once). Am I establishing a pattern of laziness and entitlement?
Maybe comparing dressing my children to hours of musical practice in the pursuit of excellence seems like a long stretch, but I am looking at parenting practices and the theories of parenting which apply to all aspects of life.
I want to raise strong, kind, compassionate, self-reliant women. Is that going to happen by being nurtured and comforted in the face of conflict or uncomfortable struggle (math homework) or should children be challenged and held to a higher standard?
Yes, my kids are just 3 & 5 years old and I do not yet know which way to push them even if that is my desire. My kindergartner does see a tutor once a week because I didn't think she was grasping the concept of grouping numbers fast enough, and my house is filled with charts tracking effort and responsibility. And I'll admit, we are on the waiting list to start with the Suzuki teacher the week after the twins turn 4 and this was all done before I even started the book.
I am a Western Mother feeling a little better about letting my inner "roar" be heard louder thanks to reading The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. But as I mentioned earlier, I'm only half way through the book.
What are your thoughts??
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