Tabby Cat Not A Tiger

Since finishing the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua I have been struggling with my own thoughts about what I learned from her story.  Soon after finishing the book I read the very interesting TIME Magazine article The Roar of the Tiger Mom by Annie Murphy Paul and wanted to share with you my final conclusion…

As mentioned in my previous post, there are many things I admire about Amy Chua, her story and her parenting philosophy.  There are also many lessons to be learned from her choices, experiences and mistakes. I find it fascinating that an outline of parenting practices described in a memoir has sparked a national debate on parenting, education, and international economic competition.  

For the purpose of this post I’m not getting into a political debate, but can clearly state as a “Western parent” there are three major areas where I do not agree with Ms. Chua:

1.      Choice. Perhaps it is my Western Mother way, but I was raised to believe that people are entitled to pursue what makes them happy as an individual.  I think children (obviously following basic safety guidelines and common sense practices) should have the opportunity to find and pursue what it is they want to do.

Amy Chua answers a question of a similar premise about her own lack of choice as a child in the TIME Magazine article with, “…by restricting my choices as a child, they gave me so many choices in my life as an adult.”

I understand what she is saying but do not agree.

-          Teaching work ethic, determination and focus might be lessons learned without a battle if the child is passionate or interested in what they are pursuing.

2.      Peer Support.  As an adult I know and believe with all my heart that I would not be the person I am today without my friends. Part of the concept of this blog is the open-comment /contribution aspect because I believe in the importance of peer support.

There was a section in Amy Chua’s book where the oldest daughter describes herself running home after school to get to her home and music work. The feeling of loneliness and sadness of the image broke my heart and actually upset me more that the rejected birthday card.

-          Sleepovers are a night mare for parents and kids are terrible the day after. Play dates are like a social dance, you might get stepped on a few times but once you find the right partners there is nothing better! However daunting these are for the parents, the social lessons and support children develop with these experiences are nothing that can be explained in a book or taught in class. People skills in a new world of “social networking” are going to be more important than ever; I believe for emotional development, to fight a sense of alienation and for basic support, rejecting social integration for more math-drills and extra lessons is a mistake.

3.      Compassion.  Most things I have read that criticize Amy Chua’s parenting practices focuses on her use of demeaning and hurtful language toward her children. She has been called a monster and in the TIME article her book is referred to as a “Mommie Dearest of our time.” I see both sides here….Ms. Chua is harsh but she believes the world is harsh unless you are prepared. I think she spoke to her children in an effort to ignite a spark and awaken a tiger in them. Her parenting practice is to “assume strength, not fragility.”

-          With my whole heart I believe the ability to withstand verbal assaults does not make a person more prepared for success nor does it foster growth and personal self-esteem. At times in parenting the importance of holding our tongues will carry more value than using them harshly.  

The TIME Magazine article did reference one of my favorite studies about child motivation and self-esteem development! I look forward to having a fresh discussion on that topic away from this Chinese Mother vs. Western Mother comparison.  There is no correct answer as to who does it better or right; as varied as each family is so is the practice of parenting and so the debate will continue on….

All thoughts, comments and feedback are welcome, but I am DONE with this book!

Moving on to something way more fun…Scream Free Parenting!

Tiger Mom In Me?

I am about half way through the wonderful book by Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. OK, so commenting on a book at the half-way point is rather foolish since I am most likely chapters away from the big moral revelation in the story but I am still going to write this post.  Actually, I just realized it might be interesting to see how my thoughts vary from this point to the end of the book....So here it goes.

I COMPLETELY relate to Amy Chua's feelings about her children and her desire to drive them to success. Unlike people I know who have read the book and fear any similarity, I find myself longing for Ms. Chua's stamina to stay in the battle, her determination not to be swayed by external pressures, and her ability to remain true to her culture and character in her parenting.

I am a Western mother. I was raised by a Western mother who was raised by a Western mother. I openly worry about my children's emotional stress and their self-esteem. I read endless books about raising confident children but I always am concerned a huge aspect of the puzzle is missing. Perhaps we are so busy worrying about the emotional state of our children we are letting the source of self-esteem be overlooked: creating a sense of self-reliance, drive, and determination.

Amy Chua writes, "Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."

This passage stopped me in my tracks. Perhaps protecting my children from the feeling of failure is stifling their self-development. By being their "friend" or "confidant" in moments of weakness am I abandoning the role of parent to their detriment? Would my children's self-esteem be stronger if I let them find it in their own course or more so pushed them beyond their comfort limits?

Looking back I realize some of the greatest lessons I learned in life came after my greatest failures. There were times when I longed for a parent to step in and make it better but now see by forging on I became more resilient. Did that resiliency better my self-esteem or lay the seeds of resentment?

Amy Chua continues in the chapter, "Western parents try to respect their children's individuality encouraging them to purse their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."

My kids dress like crazy people. It has never been important to me that they look a certain way....I thought I was fostering their independence and creativity by letting them make their own choices - or is this my excuse because I am don't want the fight?  I often allow them to skip on chores in favor of having fun (they are only kids once). Am I establishing a pattern of laziness and entitlement?
Maybe comparing dressing my children to hours of musical practice in the pursuit of excellence seems like a long stretch, but I am looking at parenting practices and the theories of parenting which apply to all aspects of life.

I want to raise strong, kind, compassionate, self-reliant women. Is that going to happen by being nurtured and comforted in the face of conflict or uncomfortable struggle (math homework) or should children be challenged and held to a higher standard?

Yes, my kids are just 3 & 5 years old and I do not yet know which way to push them even if that is my desire. My kindergartner does see a tutor once a week because I didn't think she was grasping the concept of grouping numbers fast enough, and my house is filled with charts tracking effort and responsibility. And I'll admit, we are on the waiting list to start with the Suzuki teacher the week after the twins turn 4 and this was all done before I even started the book.

I am a Western Mother feeling a little better about letting my inner "roar" be heard louder thanks to reading The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. But as I mentioned earlier, I'm only half way through the book.

What are your thoughts??

Uh Oh - Brat Proofing?

Nine pages into "You're Not the Boss of Me, Brat-Proofing Your 4 to 12-year-old Child" by Betsy Brown Braun and I am too traumatized to continue reading.

Evidently everything my children are doing that makes me crazy is the result of them taking on my bad habits.  The book opens with a clear explanation of  the "do what I say not what I do" contradiction. Apparently my kids are hearing my actions loud & clear and not listening to what I tell them.

Hopefully it just seems worse because there are more of them than me....
Promise to keep reading.

Zombie Mommy - we all need sleep!

Sleep, I need it, I want it and I can never in my life remember thinking about it as much as I do as a parent! Before I had kids, in college and even in high-school I was always up early, a rise and shine type of person who never worried about sleep. But now....I can't stop thinking about it.

Parents obsess about sleep; we endlessly talk about sleep and compare our tails of bedtime horrors and sleep deprivation.
There are so many BOOKS about children and sleep: Ferber, Babywise, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, etc. the list and the varying techniques are mind-scrambling. Chances are in a group of 10 parents you are going to find 7 different sleep methods and every parent will swear what they do works yet contribute their own bedtime-horror stories to the conversation.

All this sleep talk was to be expected when my kids were babies but now that they are not....

In my house we follow the "sleep begets sleep" philosophy.  I put my kids to bed as early as possible every night. Trust me I have tried pushing bedtime later with the hopes they will sleep later in the morning....NOPE. Never works. My kids don't sleep in. As mentioned earlier I wasn't a sleep-in person either but I would LIKE the option to now that it is no longer an option.

Do my kids sleep through the night? Depends. Do they go to bed easily? 2 out of 3 do. Do they sleep past 6 on the weekend? NEVER.

So, I began to wonder should I be encouraging sleep so much?  Is 6:45 too early for a Kindergartner?  Is my kids early bedtime a sign of selfishness because I was trying to get to "adult time" as quickly as possible?  I see other kids out or up later and question if I am depriving my kids of something.  By the reaction of other parents (with the exception of a few) I began to wonder if I was putting them to bed too early.
Our schedule is normal – my kids seem tired at the end of the day, they don't nap and we are out the door to school by 7:20 every morning….but they are getting older, maybe they don’t need to sleep as much as they did?

Then I read Chapter 2 "The Lost Hour" in NurtureShock by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman.  This chapter shed so much light on sleep and how children's sleep becomes essential to their success in so many aspects of life. The topic covered in the chapter (and researched endlessly by so many) is that children's lost sleep effects: focus, obesity, emotional stability, success in school and sports, and cognitive development.

So now armed with support by "the parenting book" regardless if you are an over-tired 3, 5 or 38 year-old I am sending all grouchy, whinny people straight to bed to re-capture that lost hour and so everyone can grow and develop better tomorrow and Mommy can start her grown-up time a little earlier tonight!

Let me know what works in your house. What are your bedtime thoughts and practices?

Confident Parenting....Maybe

OK, so we all swore that as intelligent, confident, loving and understanding parents we would never repeat the mistakes made by the parents who came before us. Truly, we entered into parenthood knowing we would be the generation that would finally get parenting right. But then why did the words "BECAUSE I SAID SO" fly out of my mouth in a moment of 5 year-old defiance and parental exhaustion?

The words came so easily and so confidently as if I truly was the parent! Crazily, I seemed to suddenly realize I am the parent, the parent to three daughters between the ages of 3 1/2 and 5 (a set of twins in there if the math seems a bit off).  It was as if the dreaded words of parental-rights-of passage opened my eyes to the situation....MY KIDS ARE RUNNING THE SHOW, but I'm the parent right?

What happened? I am an educated, former professional who wanted to stay home and raise my children in an environment of open-mindedness, love and understanding. BUT that's not exactly how it's working out.....Please don't misunderstand I run a tight ship (or so I thought), I am a loving mother (or am I an enabler), I work "with" my children (or do I smoother), I discipline (or only threaten to), the contradictions are endless - parenting is hard. Who knew there were so many ways to get it wrong and in so many different areas!

So, I have done what so many others have done - complained endlessly with my friends over coffee in the AM and wine in the PM - and turned to the BOOKS - the ever-growing list of parenting books with techniques and theories so diverse it is mind blowing!  It seems the more I read the more I am confused and overwhelmed - where so many things make sense on paper putting them into practice seems unnerving.  I finally decided the only way I was ever going to make sense of this crazy parenting thing was to reach out and start a new and on-going conversation. I intend to Blog about the books I am reading (yes there are many at once), and put it all out there in the great internet world and see what thoughts, ideas, and experiences come back. Maybe others will read this blog and share or maybe this is additional proof that parenthood is pushing me closer to insanity each day, but hey it’s worth a try…..

If you are interested please become a follower/ a commenter/ a contributor. I have never even followed a blog before and not really sure how it all goes. I want to apologize upfront for all incomprehensible thoughts, misspelled words, and improper grammar (I have been interrupted by small people about 30 times while writing this post).

I promise to start the conversation (soon) from one of the many topics swimming in my head from a book I am currently reading:
Books on the nightstand now:
NurtureShock by PO Bronson & Ashley Merryman
You're Not the Boss of Me by Betsy Brown Braun
Rasing Congident Girls by Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer

Best!